To be young at heart is one thing. To be young is another.
Unfortunately I’ve had these two things confused for far too long. To be young is to be uneducated, naive, selfish, inexperienced and immature.
To be young at heart is to be full of youthful vigor while having the maturity and sense to take care of the necessities before enjoying life and waiting for things to happen.
I waited for far too much to happen through my life. I’ve lost out on a lot of opportunities by doing this and as I’ve come to understand some of this point, my eyes have been opened to the amount of pain and sorrow I’ve caused myself.
I’ve lost time, I’ve lost energy, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost sense.
To realize you have to grow is a hard thing to come to terms with. It comes a little bit easier when you start your own business. About seven or eight months ago I decided I wanted to make candy. Two and a half months ago I made that decision reality and Karl’s Candy Co was born. I currently sell my candy on Etsy.com and am working on a display to set up in a local coffee shop in downtown Lincoln. I’m also talking with the local farmer’s market people in order to hopefully get a booth set up this summer.
Growing up also comes easier when you pour yourself into it. I’m still failing on a number of endeavors I’m trying to branch out onto, but I’m finding better ways to hold onto those branches.
I slip and fall but keep doing my best to climb and find a nook to get a better footing for the future.
I gave up a lot in the past, I’ve reserved myself to not let that happen again in the future. No backing down, no saying no, trying my best till the very end. Trying my hand at new experiences. Creating, restyling, relearning.
I’m done with losing knowledge, I’m done with not having something to say, I’m done being second rate. It’s time to take hold of the rip cord and pull.
I want to travel. Travel takes money. I’m learning how to handle mine better. I’m currently taking part in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. I have so much to learn, but the baby steps are working. I see the light at the end of my tunnel of student debt. I’ve got a ways to go, but I know I can reach my goals in record time now.
I want to go to Asia. All over Asia and onto Japan and the Philippines, all around the world. I want to bungee jump in New Zealand, roam the outback of Australia, road trip all around this country at least twice more, and eventually make it down to the secret place at least once.
I’ve started playing my guitar again and have plans to play bass with a couple local musicians over the next few months. I’m doing my best to keep busy while allowing myself the space I need for me time. I find it hard to be out with people for an extended amount of time before my panic attacks start creeping up on me.
I didn’t use to have panic attacks but now find them happening far too often. I’ve tried out different forms of healing, but none seem to work, so I’ve begun doing what used to work best. Running. I ran cross country in high school and had little to no stress. It’s been building up on me so much recently that I need to get rid of it and I’d hate to resort to taking some form of medication until it’s absolutely necessary which I hope never happens. It’s also helping me work out a lot more for my own physical health. I got an Iron Gym and am doing pull ups/pushups/sit ups multiple times a week in order to get in some form of shape other than semi-flabby. It’s another thing on a long list of my things to do to become a better person.
I want to grow. I have a lot I need to show people. I have a lot I need to show myself. I know I’m still going to do stupid things, but I’m not going to regret them. They show you how to do things better. I’m also going to think a lot more before acting in any way. spontaneity is great until you end up hurting yourself and everyone around you. Then it’s just dumb.
I’ve learned the importance of plans and I’ve got plans on the move. I’ve begun making lists, I’ve begun formulating the plans that will allow me to have the type of future I’ve talked about, the type of future I can share with someone, the type of future where a future is worth having.
I cried for the first time in a month tonight. I can only stay so busy, I can only keep my mind occupied for so many hours in the day. I can only only.
The future looks brighter today than yesterday, it’s still got a ways to go, but it’s on the horizon.